Sir Richard Arcos introduces himself

As squire of Lesser Pudding, it recently came to my attention that my hamlet (population 12 people and a herd of cows) has been ignored by the world. Accordingly, I took down the large iron gates that bar the roads, as they are apparently not needed. The wife insisted that the concrete pillars stay, however. Apparently there are people inside them. I asked her how they could breathe, and she assured me they couldn't, as they were dead.

After a life spent wandering in the earth's darkest corners, I, Sir Richard Arcos, adventurer and explorer, discoverer of Begrave Square and author of Journey to the Centre of the Drawing-Room, retired to Lesser Pudding Manor to spend my declining years. As columnist for the Green Man, I have covered education and religion. Some of these columns may be reproduced here, if I can work out how to do it.

Must go, the estate manager tells me that the rick-burners are back from a raid on Diss. They have brought plunder, so I have to select my share before the dear chaps can go home. Apparently they looted Interflora so we can have a flower show that doesn't revolve around Lady Arcos' Corpse flower. I remember when she bought it, saying it 'ld mask the smell nicely.