Easter.

Ho-hum, Sir Richard Arcos here again. The family spent Easter with us at Lesser Pudding. The American side mingled fruitfully with the English side, the Everards, the Rules and our Vaughan grandchildren only fought once.

Easter was celebrated by the villagers in the traditional fashion. A great parade was held in the village, and the gates of the manor house decorated with ribbons. The villagers marched to the nearby village of Dutcholm, where they broke into the church and stole the communion plate, in a re-enactment of an incident in the fourteenth century, where the monks of Lesser Pudding Abbey pillaged Dutchholm Priory on Easter, with the help of foreign mercenaries. Some of the villagers dressed up in armour as mercenaries, while other wore the habits of monks.

It would be a marvellous ritual if Dutcholm agreed to it, but they're just getting rather fed up with this taking place every year. Still, We'll be returning the plate at Ascension, in commemoration of the intervention of the King.

Lynette Madison and the Girl in Grey visited, two of my favourite young people. I gave them both copies of the re-issue of my magnum opus, 'A Whip for Free-Willers.' They both looked disgusted. Which was a bit harsh. I mean, maybe it is banned in most bookshops, but...

Village News

Well, the wife and I returned to Lesser Pudding Manor today after a relaxing week with friends. We were greeted by the sight of three tax inspectors' heads displayed at Gallows Oak. Apparently the local outlaws have been busy. I summoned a meeting of the local manorial court and acquitted them. The bodies have gone to fertillize Lady Arcos' award-winning roses.

I contacted the publishers after receiving another notice from them. Apparently one set of legal difficulties with my memoirs has been sorted out.

I had to see to the business of the Old Hall today, too. This building, possessed of a gloomy and haunted wing, is part of the estate, and we have been trying to let it for years. Apparently the Girl in Grey wants to book it for a party some time next week. The Outsider is coming too. I think she and the Green Man are luring some unwary villain to their doom there. I'm supplying staff as well.

The Old Baptist Chapel, of which I am a trustee, has invited Dr. Horatius Bridge of Mannington to speak. A notoriously eccentric character, he will be bringing his black cat with him, as the monstrous creature also acts as a scarf.

And Pudding Norton College re-opens this week after considerable renovation.

A Look behind the Headlines

This week I am holidaying with a very dear friend, Mrs. Yvette Trevelyan, at her house in the Welsh Marches. We ended up one evening talking about old times, mostly as Mrs. Trevelyan and I were engaged about fifty years ago. Fortunately Lady Arcos knew her then as well. We moved on to talking about newspapers, most notably the Pudding Norton Herald, run by a man called Algernon.

Today's headline was: 'Churchill Dead.' This probably tells you what's going on here. About forty years ago, I stopped reading the newspapers. I started again recently, and arranged with the Herald for them to supply me with papers from when I stopped reading the English papers (when I moved to America in 1950). I was most surprised to learn that Harold Wilson was elected Prime Minister in 1964. I much preferred that nice Sir Alec Douglas-Home. So did the wife.

Interview

Yesterday, I promised I would be speaking to the producer of 'Celebrity Hunt.' And so I am now able to announce today's article will be an interview with Miss Samantha Olwen Rule, better known as my grand-daughter. Miss Rule started her career at Mount Arcos Studios, California, but went independent when I paid her her pocket money arrears about four years and eleven months ago. Since then, she has set up her own production company, 'Speckled Bird Productions,' specialising in odd shows. I started our interview by asking Miss Rule how the public had reacted to the programme.

Samantha Rule: I think we were shocked at the enthusiasm for the massacre of publicity seekers by members of the public. We had to turn away thousands of them.

Sir Richard: And the celebrities?

SR: We conned them into it (laughing), they answered an advertisement which told them everything except the death part. And we told them that when we got out to the bush.

Sir Richard: Isn't that illegal?

SR: Not where we're filming it.

Sir Richard: I understand. Who are the celbrities?

SR: Has-beens and never-will-bes.

Sir Richard: Well, once they've been killed, they won't be, will they?

SR: But we do sell posters of their bloodied corpses. Not that anyone's asked for one, except some close relatives.

Sir Richard: Are there any more surprises for viewers of the show?

SR: All the deaths that are coming. After all, they surprised the celebrities.

Sir Richard: Some people are calling this 'a contest too far.' Do you think that's unfair?

SR: Absolutely. This isn't a contest at all. No-one wins any prizes, and they all die. How can that be a contest?

Sir Richard: You have a point. Are there any more projects in the pipeline, dear?

SR: We're just starting to film Celebrity Alive. It's like celebrity survivor, only without food.

Film Guide

Some of the films you won't be seeing this year:

Revenge of the Shrew: A film about a tiny mouse-like rodent. The sequel to The Shrew, another film not released due to lack of interest.

Yes, I did it: Controversial 'confession' film by fomer Tiddywinks star and actor Samuel J. Oliver. After the Green Man slew the actor live on camera, the film was pulled. Ms. Madison is selling DVDs, though.

The Bad Die Old: Re-make of old film, The Good Die Young, using people who were extras in the original. This means that the average age of actors is 90, hence the re-title. Not one made it to the end of filming without dying.

War in Space: Grimly realistic sci-fi drama. Runs for 10 hours due to said realism (no light-speed, nor sound in space). Everyone who said this was a good idea has been sacked.

Hamuburarbonurai: The world's first all-baboon re-make of Pride and Prejudice. You may work out why this didn't work.

Tonight on Television: Celebrity Hunt (ArcosSat3): A group of publicity-seeking celebrities answer an advertisement in the papers and find themselves being hunted through the African bush by members of the public armed with spears, bows and arrows and blow-pipes (no, this isn't a drama, this is reality television). Tonight, some annoying female with a talent for wearing too few clothes who once got filmed getting intimate with her then-boyfriend falls into a tiger trap and gets decapitated.

Tomorrow: Some actor who once appeared in something is chased over a cliff and dashed to pieces. An interview with the creator comes next.

Picks for 2007

Well, we're back from a week at the Vaughans' (that's our second youngest daughter and her husband), and ready for whatever the year ahead may bring, including 'flu. In the manner of so many newspaper columnists, may I present a look ahead to what the year may have in store:

Films:
No-one will ever know for certain which films may be a hit, but I predict that among them will not be 'Algy and the Bear,' an adaptation of the famous epic poem of that name. The bear refused to eat Algy, who got the whole team arrested. Another film that will not make the cinemas is 'The Magnificent Seven: Out of the Grave' after the director was refused permission to dig up Yul Brynner.

Politics:
Whether or not there is a snap election, I predict that the Apathy Party will continue to receive no votes in elections. They cannot be bothered to vote, nor campaign.

Celebrities:
Whoever will be noticed this year, one self-promoter from Great Yarmouth will not be discovered. My wife hit him on the head with a shovel and dumped him in a load of concrete. He's now part of the harbour.

The Stars:
What do the stars say for 2007, the Chinese Year of the Pig? Well, not enough, clearly, as the local astrologer for the Great Snoring Mercury ventured into Lesser Pudding and was burned for his foul sorcery.

Next time: What you won't be seeing on the silver screen - in depth.

The Green Man - Unmasked?

Over at The Vengeance of the Green Man, Monty Bristow, alias The Disturber, has alleged that the Green Man is in fact Michael Rake, boyfriend of Ms. Lynette Madison (pictured). Needless to say, this is a bit of a bombshell (as is Ms. Madison). But there are a few problems with this:

1. Ms. Madison's being summoned by the the Green Man when with Mr. Rake. She interacts with the Green Man on the 'phone. While it isn't entirely impossible that Rake is on the other line, it would mean that the pages would get suspicious, and the possiblity of discovery is high.

2. Mr. Rake's jealousy of Ms. Madison's employer.

3. The holiday Ms. Madison took with Mr. Rake while the Green Man had that adventure with the Girl in Grey. Since Ms. Madison does not know who the Green Man is, Mr. Rake must have been on holiday with her.

I suspect that Mr. Bristow knows of Mr. Rake's closeness to Ms. Madison and guessed from there.