Film Guide

Some of the films you won't be seeing this year:

Revenge of the Shrew: A film about a tiny mouse-like rodent. The sequel to The Shrew, another film not released due to lack of interest.

Yes, I did it: Controversial 'confession' film by fomer Tiddywinks star and actor Samuel J. Oliver. After the Green Man slew the actor live on camera, the film was pulled. Ms. Madison is selling DVDs, though.

The Bad Die Old: Re-make of old film, The Good Die Young, using people who were extras in the original. This means that the average age of actors is 90, hence the re-title. Not one made it to the end of filming without dying.

War in Space: Grimly realistic sci-fi drama. Runs for 10 hours due to said realism (no light-speed, nor sound in space). Everyone who said this was a good idea has been sacked.

Hamuburarbonurai: The world's first all-baboon re-make of Pride and Prejudice. You may work out why this didn't work.

Tonight on Television: Celebrity Hunt (ArcosSat3): A group of publicity-seeking celebrities answer an advertisement in the papers and find themselves being hunted through the African bush by members of the public armed with spears, bows and arrows and blow-pipes (no, this isn't a drama, this is reality television). Tonight, some annoying female with a talent for wearing too few clothes who once got filmed getting intimate with her then-boyfriend falls into a tiger trap and gets decapitated.

Tomorrow: Some actor who once appeared in something is chased over a cliff and dashed to pieces. An interview with the creator comes next.