Announcement

Due to the fact that I manage the Green Man's website, blogger has merged it with my site. The Green Man and I came to an agreement that he would have his name displayed on both, although he gor my counter. So from over 400 profile views, he's now got my 20.

Pudding Norton College: Home Economics

The quaint phrase, 'home economics' is still applied to what most schools call 'food technology' at Pudding Norton College. Initially, this rather puzzled the inspectors, who were prepared to see a traditional cookery lesson, taken by an elderly or middle-aged woman. Instead, they found that, as well as training students in the preparation of food, this course included rather more sinister innovations.

Such as training in breaking and entering (pictured), in which notorious French robber Pierre Montard teaches pupils how to enter houses illegally and spot the most valuable items, before carrying them off. There are practical exams, in which students are taken to areas far from the school and stealing from them. The items thus acquired are fenced through the college, which takes a large cut.

For the women, lessons in seduction and blackmail are given, as are lessons in how to be a successful gold-diggers. However,
the most talented young women receive lessons on how to be successful call-girls, joining the ring of exclusive call-girls run by the college.

Some of these slaves of sin have tried to speak out, but many of these girls have been slain by the college hitman, a tall and burly gent of whom the less said the better. Pictured is a poor young woman who tried to spill the beans on all this. She tried to defend herself and call the police, but was later found strangled.

Baron von Sztrongharm, the head honcho of the college has denied all knowledge of this, although as the getaway driver (later found drowned) was standing behind him at the time, this rang a bit hollow.

Pudding Norton College: Mathematics

The Maths department at Pudding Norton College is housed in a decaying concrete tower, where dogs patrol to keep students from running out of class. Every so ofte a child, stuffed with algorithms and the like, will go mad and run off, to be torn to pieces by the dogs. The result is that GCSE Maths is one of the most successful subjects at the college, with 99% of surviving students achieving the very highest grades. The 1% who don't are never seen again.

'A'-Level Maths, where students are expected to work independently, is a very different subject. The most popular 'A'-Level mathematics course is that generally referred to as 'maths for goldiggers,' but technically, 'introduction to accountancy.' In this, sixth-formers get to serve internships with top firms, especially owner-run enterprises. Most of the girls who take this course go no further in accountancy, but marry someone high up in the firm or blackmail them. Take the two cuties illustrated. They attached themselves to the industrialist pictured, and managed to take him for his complete bankroll.

The head of mathematics is stunningly wealthy, as it is known that he runs an exclusive call-girl agency. In addition, he blackmails those former students of his who have maried well.

**********Stop Press******Stop Press**********
Mrs. Hazel Arbit III, fomer star student at the college has been arrested after shooting the head of Mathematics, calling him a 'dirty little blackmailer.' Although the master was not killed, he has been seriously injured and shall be taking a leave of absence. The former students who cheered Mrs. Arbit on have contacted the Green Man.

Taking a Break

We're taking a break from looking at the HMI report into Pudding Norton College, partly because it's Saturday, and I'm sat in my study looking out over the park. I can see the jaguar chasing a couple of tresspassers, and the gardeners are digging something that looks suspiciously like a grave in the garden. My wife is playing the piano downstairs, and my valet is mixing drinks. In short, the manor house is at peace and normality reigns. Even the decaying bodies swinging from the gallows oak look happy.

We await news of the battle that toook place between the lads of the village and the mercenaries hird by Pudding Norton College, but I expect the rocket-launchers our side were equipped with took them by surprise. And, from the smoke rising from the direction of the village green, I expect they're buring the young witches they apprehended a few weeks ago. I think it was about the end of October. Apparently they were going from door to door demanding provisions and threatening to curse people if they didn't get them.

As I said, all's normal here. Apparently the local Presbyterian Minister is rallying a mob to burn the nearest Roman Catholic Church, because they protested at the traditional burning of an effigy of the Pope on November 5th. It used to be filled with cats, but I put a stop to that on the grounds of animal cruelty. So now the locals kidnap someone they don't likje and put him inside the effigy instead. Or the Green Man supplies someone.

More from That Report

As we continued our perusal of the report into Pudding Norton College (another picture of which is shown), the next section after sport dealt with the history department, which is housed in the shed depicted. I'd say that the photo was obtained at great personal danger, but the mob of villagers who took pictures of the site was so large that no-one could interfere.

Anyway, to the report. The Inspector charged with looking into History noted that behaviour was 'cowed.' The teacher assured the Inspector that the birch on the desk was for purposes of historical illustration, but the way that younger pupils avoided it suggested that such illustration went a bit far.

The organisation of Year Nine boys into a gang of pickpockets al lá Oliver Twist was praised, until it discovered that they were actually being sent into Norwich and Thetford to rob unfortunate suckers. The use of more mature year nine girls in the Badger Game was also deplored.

As concerned discipline in the department, the use of the rack on most repeat offenders was deplored, and serious questions were asked about the boy who is gibbeted in one of the classrooms, as his decaying carcasse was considered a health hazard.

Pudding Norton College: Sports

Competitive sports are encoraged at Pudding Norton College, and this the inspectors initially praised, until it was found that the sports master, Bull Stafford was pitting students against each other in the boxing ring for the affections of certain disreputable young ladies. Rivets and knuckle-dusters were used in some of these gladiatorial bouts, which were open to the public, with beer being sold by the college. Since this was the notorious Old Mill Special Brew Beer, this was another demerit.
The sports teams were well organised, with the teams being overseen by one Joachim Schmitt, formerly a trainer with the East German Olympic team. However, the Inspectors decided that the school's interpretation of the term 'Sports Science' was incorrect, and that the administration of performance enhancing drugs to the school teams was not acceptable. Equally, the paying of hitmen to incapacitate rivals was considered a serious breach of fair play, as did the kidnapping of mascots and coaches, which was widespread, with the senior team acting as enforces for the lower teams, nor the seduction of leading players from other schools, causing them to break their training.

It was also decided that the competitive emphasis of the College's sports programme had been taken too far when the Inspectors discovered a gladiatorial contest in a large arena, with various senior boys battling under the cheering eyes of the college students and staff. Those who participated were granted the favours (I shall say no more) of the prettier senior girls, while the Head Master sat in the seat of Caesar, with the power to order life or death.

More from the Inspector's Files

Having successfully repulsed the attempts to recover these files and set a guard of armed villagers around the manor, I shall continue my exploration of the inspection report on Pudding Norton College. The dormitory block (shown below) was revealed to have no roof, the lead an tiles having been sold to local merchants. Evidence of recent building work showed that an attempt to improve the facillities had been made, only to halt abruptly for lack of funds. Further research showed that the practice of foring students to undertake slave labour had been halted after three had died. Still, it was noted that there were now proper facilities for the girls, although the webcams were reported to be illegal, as the practice (illustrated) of sending out promising sixth-formers to entrap wealthy married men, thus forcing them to become patrons of the college if they don't want their wives to find out.

They are alo employed, as the poster shows, as 'Divorce Bait,' by women who wnat to be able to get lots of alimony from their husbands. In fact, the whole approach to senior girls in Sixth form is unspeakably sordid. However, at least the girls' dorms have windows. The Boys' dorms are without glass in their windows, and there are twelve single rooms without windows that are used for solitary confinement.

I hate having to reproduce the College's 'Community Service and Business' brochure, but it should give you an idea of the cess-pool of corruption that is Pudding Norton College.

And I haven't even started on the curriculum yet. Must go, apparently the villagers need me to preside over a manorial court. Probably got another taxman to bury alive. Or a vacum cleaner salesman to burn as a warlock. We did once have a County Council candidate impaled on the village sign. It had to be specially sharpened. I tried to say that I didn't mind, but they just said she was a usurper and impaled her.

An Inspector Falls

Last night, as the wife and I were sat around the fire, ignoring the chill and misty weather outside, we heard the sounds of a hunt in full cry, a short distance from us. We wondered why a hunt would be out so late, especially since they now have to shoot the fox. Then, when we realised the hounds were from the Pudding Norton College pack of wolf-hounds, we stopped wondering. There are no wolves in Britain, and there had been persistent rumours that Pudding Norton College was going to be inspected. So, when we heard a frenzied knocking at our door, I sent the butler to investigate.

A dishevelled man in a torn suit fell into our hall, a sheaf of papers dropping from his hand. Before he expired, he recovered enough to tell us that he was the last living member of a crack team of HMI Inspectors, sent to investigate reports that Pudding Norton College was not all its prospectus promised.

For Example, while the prospectus showed a stately castle, the inspectors found a group of

squalid sheds.

They had been made suspicious by the fact that a number of the pictures in the Prospectus were labelled 'Dunraven Castle', a mansion near Bridgend, Wales.

We shall be presenting further shocking secrets tomorrow.